From Brokenness to Blessing: A Journey of Forgiveness and Faith

I was born in a Christian family. My dad was Anglican and my mum Catholic. Both were equally staunch in their beliefs. My mother was insistent in having us baptized and was very diligent in raising us in the faith, ensuring we go for daily mass and sending us for retreats during summer vacations. Though it planted a seed of knowing God in a deep way, when I came to college many things changed. I lost my closeness to Jesus and the earlier sincerity in the small and simple things of life seemed unimportant. I began questioning the practice of traditional prayers. I stopped going to church. During my second year I fell in love with a girl. It seemed most appropriate since it seemed that everyone else had a girlfriend. Over time I was quite sure she would be the one I would marry. I changed the course of my career, opting for a post-graduation that I may remain with her. A year later, my world crashed when I discovered that she had become friendly with another classmate. I was shattered and unable to see a future. My grief turned into anger. I was determined to prove to this girl that I could outshine her during the rest of the course. I was filled with unforgiveness and hatred. I was so disturbed I realized I must go for the retreat and try to find some peace. During the retreat I developed high fever. During the Eucharistic adoration where special prayers were offered for the healing of inner wounds, the priest who leading the service Fr Augustine Vallooran mentioned my name and gave a message to forgive and see how God works. It was hard. I nevertheless prayed for the unforgiveness and hate to be removed. As soon as I did this, I could feel a cool sensation over my body. I realised I had received the grace to completely forgive the girl and the boy whom she was in love with.
There began my journey with the Lord and ever since He has been beside me through some very trying times. I used to get seizures every seventh day, 10-15 times. During those times I could experience the Lord’s presence sustaining me. Years later, my family faced a challenge when my dad was diagnosed with a brain degenerative disease. Despite his struggles, for the first time he desired to make a retreat and was so involved in the Mass and Eucharistic Adoration services. 

The greatest blessing has been the opportunity to be involved in the youth ministry at Divine Retreat Centre. Thousands of youths came seeking God. I see in them a reflection of me, wanting to just touch the fringe of His garment and be healed. I am so grateful that God has allowed me to work with the gospel channel Goodness TV, though I have absolutely no training in this field. Here I find the meaning of my life. I am grateful for how God has used my experiences of joy and pain, of seeking and finding, to help journey with others to live beholding His glory. 

My ministry with the youth, gave me the opportunity to see how my life would have turned around if God had come into my life and how important it is for this present generation to encounter Christ and if I can be just a cog in God’s plan I would not mind doing so. While working in the media ministry one key element of what God wants from me is just my readiness and willingness to spread God’s word which I was ready to do, and He did the rest. He gave me some wonderful mentors who
also taught me how to use my asset in the ministry rather than diversify and try to learn new skills and not apply it.
At present I am working in a company called Crayon Software Experts Private Limited and based out of Bangalore. God has blessed me with this job and an amazing fiancée which I think is really God’s blessing and grace.

Marcus Silus Sam,
Bangalore

“He redeems your life from the grave” (Ps 103:4)

I was blessed with a wonderful, God-fearing and Catholic upbringing. I was even privileged to have a few God experiences when I just 5-6 years old. Sadly, I gave in to sin quite easily. I was enticed by the worldly acts of my childhood friends. I remember even praying, “I am not interested in being a good person my parents taught me to be. I would rather be like my friends.” From then, I started living like my friends and my one desire was to please them. I loved being with them to the extent I began rejecting the caring presence of my parents.

During my adolescent years, things got worse. I gave into the emotions and feelings of my body. I never even attempted controlling it. I desired the pleasure of watching filthy movies which brings about nothing but extreme sinful pressures. Later, I even started using my body as an instrument for sexual pleasure. I was indeed dreadfully addicted to pornography and masturbation that I would almost faint doing it multiple times. I tried to solve what I understood as my problem by thinking if I try to reduce the frequency of such bad habits, I can manage my situation. I wasn’t able to. I stood helpless and hopeless, trying to fight the demons of sin by myself. I slipped into depression as I realized my life was out of my control. I was doing the very thing I wanted to stop.

For nearly 5 years I was a victim of these bad habits when I began to reap the consequences. Eventually, my wonderful photographic memory power got so eroded that I would forget what I ate that morning. I was physically mentally and spiritually impacted.

It was at that time that my father (who was healed of certain illnesses by God during a retreat at Divine Retreat Center at 2004) began to fall into the same illness after 10 years. My mother fell sick too. My family started to become more and more financially burdened that we literally had to take loans in order to pay the monthly interests to private financiers and banks. I could not accept this. I wanted to run away from this reality. During my college studies, I started being immoral (flirting, unfaithful relationships etc.) and my grades started falling.

In 2017 October, I got such low grades in a paper where I had ‘just-passed’. If it had happened otherwise, I would have had to discontinue my studies as I took an educational loan which does not allow me fail even in one subject. I was in such a vulnerable and pathetic state that I attempted suicide.

It was around this dark time, that I started praying the rosary. I rushed through that prayer and didn’t even meditate on the mysteries. I came for a retreat on 5 Nov 2017 at Divine. I experienced great peace after an honest confession. The Holy Spirit spoke through a preacher to me that I should immediately cut off from my two best friends. It seemed impossible as I would have to face them every day. I implored God’s help in obeying his command and I did receive grace to say No to those relationships. However, in a matter of days I returned to the same bad habitual sins.

Yet there was one change within me. I knew that God is merciful. Hence, He forgives me when I approach him honestly in the Sacrament of Confession. This struggle in failing to be pure and holy continued for the next 6 months till I came for another retreat. On 4 May, 2018, I was filled with the Holy Spirit who gave me the strength to say No to those very bad habitual sins, which at one time almost compelled me to commit suicide earlier when I got depressed. I started feeling the presence of God in many ways just as I used to in my childhood. This time, the God experiences and visions were far beyond. I started maturing in many ways and I received all that I lost.

I would like to share few incidents where God mightily intervened in the last 4 years.

1. I was forced to stay for 1 full year in a hostel all-alone in a room with unlimited wifi, while the rest of my department mates stayed in another hostel. By God’s mighty protection I remained chaste at that lonely room and I also received more than 90% in my grades that year. God helped me channelize my talents!
2. In spite of the huge financial crisis God helped me attend an international immersion program at Melbourne, Australia for a couple of weeks!
3. I graduated with First-class distinction and had 3 campus offers!
4. I currently work in a completely new field which I never learned during college. By God’s grace my work has been noted as extraordinary, though I happen to work with people having 7+ years of expertise in that field!
5. My family’s financial burden, which was around 45 lakhs of loan, solely by God’s mercy and providence, all of them were cleared in a single year!

It was not that I became perfect during these years but I started understanding that my weaknesses could provide the throne where Jesus is king over all my weaknesses. With Him, I am what I am now. It was when I surrendered my life totally to his perfect plan, that I received all these. I now cherish the relationship I have with my God more than anything.

If Mother Mary hadn’t graciously intervened in my life through that 5 minute rosary or if I had chosen to end my life at that dark depressed night, things would have been diametrically different and someone else might be giving a testimony but not me and there might have been a grave for me in home-town!

Dilan M.

Mumbai