I was blessed with a wonderful, God-fearing and Catholic upbringing. I was even privileged to have a few God experiences when I just 5-6 years old. Sadly, I gave in to sin quite easily. I was enticed by the worldly acts of my childhood friends. I remember even praying, “I am not interested in being a good person my parents taught me to be. I would rather be like my friends.” From then, I started living like my friends and my one desire was to please them. I loved being with them to the extent I began rejecting the caring presence of my parents.
During my adolescent years, things got worse. I gave into the emotions and feelings of my body. I never even attempted controlling it. I desired the pleasure of watching filthy movies which brings about nothing but extreme sinful pressures. Later, I even started using my body as an instrument for sexual pleasure. I was indeed dreadfully addicted to pornography and masturbation that I would almost faint doing it multiple times. I tried to solve what I understood as my problem by thinking if I try to reduce the frequency of such bad habits, I can manage my situation. I wasn’t able to. I stood helpless and hopeless, trying to fight the demons of sin by myself. I slipped into depression as I realized my life was out of my control. I was doing the very thing I wanted to stop.
For nearly 5 years I was a victim of these bad habits when I began to reap the consequences. Eventually, my wonderful photographic memory power got so eroded that I would forget what I ate that morning. I was physically mentally and spiritually impacted.
It was at that time that my father (who was healed of certain illnesses by God during a retreat at Divine Retreat Center at 2004) began to fall into the same illness after 10 years. My mother fell sick too. My family started to become more and more financially burdened that we literally had to take loans in order to pay the monthly interests to private financiers and banks. I could not accept this. I wanted to run away from this reality. During my college studies, I started being immoral (flirting, unfaithful relationships etc.) and my grades started falling.
In 2017 October, I got such low grades in a paper where I had ‘just-passed’. If it had happened otherwise, I would have had to discontinue my studies as I took an educational loan which does not allow me fail even in one subject. I was in such a vulnerable and pathetic state that I attempted suicide.
It was around this dark time, that I started praying the rosary. I rushed through that prayer and didn’t even meditate on the mysteries. I came for a retreat on 5 Nov 2017 at Divine. I experienced great peace after an honest confession. The Holy Spirit spoke through a preacher to me that I should immediately cut off from my two best friends. It seemed impossible as I would have to face them every day. I implored God’s help in obeying his command and I did receive grace to say No to those relationships. However, in a matter of days I returned to the same bad habitual sins.
Yet there was one change within me. I knew that God is merciful. Hence, He forgives me when I approach him honestly in the Sacrament of Confession. This struggle in failing to be pure and holy continued for the next 6 months till I came for another retreat. On 4 May, 2018, I was filled with the Holy Spirit who gave me the strength to say No to those very bad habitual sins, which at one time almost compelled me to commit suicide earlier when I got depressed. I started feeling the presence of God in many ways just as I used to in my childhood. This time, the God experiences and visions were far beyond. I started maturing in many ways and I received all that I lost.
I would like to share few incidents where God mightily intervened in the last 4 years.
- I was forced to stay for 1 full year in a hostel all-alone in a room with unlimited wifi, while the rest of my department mates stayed in another hostel. By God’s mighty protection I remained chaste at that lonely room and I also received more than 90% in my grades that year. God helped me channelize my talents!
- In spite of the huge financial crisis God helped me attend an international immersion program at Melbourne, Australia for a couple of weeks!
- I graduated with First-class distinction and had 3 campus offers!
- I currently work in a completely new field which I never learned during college. By God’s grace my work has been noted as extraordinary, though I happen to work with people having 7+ years of expertise in that field!
- My family’s financial burden, which was around 45 lakhs of loan, solely by God’s mercy and providence, all of them were cleared in a single year!
It was not that I became perfect during these years but I started understanding that my weaknesses could provide the throne where Jesus is king over all my weaknesses. With Him, I am what I am now. It was when I surrendered my life totally to his perfect plan, that I received all these. I now cherish the relationship I have with my God more than anything.
If Mother Mary hadn’t graciously intervened in my life through that 5 minute rosary or if I had chosen to end my life at that dark depressed night, things would have been diametrically different and someone else might be giving a testimony but not me and there might have been a grave for me in home-town!
